(sound of flies buzzing) Whats up every one. my loyal website viewers. soooooo uh i'm chronically bad at updating this site, as we can tell, but. That's chill lmao

honestly i don't mind that fact at all since i like the base of my website enough to not mind it collecting dust for a while. its foundation is so strong i can just jump right back in whenever i want to. like right now. what finally motivated me to?

...so my fiance got me into sonic.exe. like big time. it's one of those hyperfixations that's so strong i literally can't not talk about it everywhere i go to everyone i speak to. it's like. Dire. but i enjoy it. i'm right where i want to be.

i'd been deliberating on updates for a long time for a lot of reasons but. fucked up hedgehogs were the straw that broke the camel's back.

i don't expect the average reader to know what i mean with any of this but FOR THOSE WHO KNOW. my favies:

• REWRITE. i LOVE. rewrite. really bad. just everything about it. any pronouns anomaly haunting a computer program that wants to take your soul. and entices you by putting up a silly playful act pretending to be your favorite hedgehog so you trust it when it calls you friend. IT WORKS. IT FUCKING WORKS. "TOGETHER WE'RE GONNA DIE" SHOULD NOT MAKE ME FEEL FLUTTERY TO HEAR. BUT ALAS. I'M FUCKED.
• el pendrive azul. did you know pendrive predates the original sonic.exe? that already caught my interest, but then seeing how much its creator is all for the reinterpretations fans make, even with his own new take on the story... i couldn't help myself. Themes and such. also my fiance is latino so xe was really excited to show me so i'm biased
• pace and shadow from sonic and the black sun. not an exe, just a fun little au, but i'm VERY endeared by pace. two apples tall. the idea of sonic being a coward if he grew up in a world that never needed a hero like he is in canon is super interesting!!!
• exe/faker, x's creation/son. i was vaaaguely aware of him back when the sonic.exe mod dropped with him in it, but i never really bothered to learn more until now. st solis from sinister minds caught my attention. song was whatever to me at first, then i learned his lore, came back and relistened. now i'm obsessed. took a shower while blaring it out loud today. i'm fucked
• 2011x / lord x, Of Course. i was really curious to learn how he's changed since the original sonic.exe, because THAT'S what i grew up on. and. joe's x blows jc's clean out of the water lmao. taking the immaturity of the original story and making it part of his character is just so. endearing. and seeing lord x all older and more mature, Intentionally holding back his full power... soooooooo cool. love you peepaw. i'll play your game

...i already link it in my about page now, but just to make sure i get as many eyes as possible on it: please listen to sinister minds. ok? ok. thank u

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...ok the fun stuff is over. i've been meaning to make a journal entry about the topic i'm about to touch on since it happened nearly four months ago now, but. So i have a huge life thing to get off my chest.

i'm sure you can tell. i HATE getting personal online. i barely even like mentioning that i'm disabled, but feel i have to to contextualize a lot about myself. and what i'm about to talk about it... extraordinarily personal and complex.

a few months ago, my dad passed away. very suddenly even if we knew it was coming at some point, and in a very distressing way.

now, don't pity me too much, because to say i had a complex relationship with my dad... is putting it lightly.

i didn't, and still don't like him as a person, or as a father. in a lot of ways i'm relieved i'll never have to see him ever again. no more screaming matches when i'm trying to sleep off chronic pain episodes, no more having to hoard food and binge eat because he would eat everything in sight if i didn't get it first, but...

well that's the thing. i'll NEVER have to see him again. and even for someone you don't like, that's a really hard pill to swallow.

and just a few weeks ago on top of this, my childhood cat, callie, went missing and is presumed dead since she hasn't come back. she always came back whenever she got out before.

so it's just... very haunting, to adapt to my life now. my house feels so empty now. in some ways it's nice- i'm the kind of traumatized autist who needs complete silence and alone time to get anything done most of the time. but it's just... so quiet. so empty. so... scary.

i still instinctively find myself doing things as if they're both still here. expecting to see dad in his chair, thinking i have to get up to feed callie...

it's. a lot. and i just felt i owed myself the chance to really get my feelings out somewhere. social media doesn't really feel appropriate to talk about it on. i don't want a stranger to get my post about grief algorithmically put on their feed. so. Here it goes. tucked away underneath me infodumping about sonic creepypasta. lol.

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...life isn't all doom and gloom, though. my future actually looks pretty bright!

last month i spent a lot of time traveling, and a majority of it was spent in mexico visiting my fiance. oh yeah, i'm sure you noticed me saying that. i got engaged on that trip :)

and during said trip, we realized just how in our grasp it is for me to come live with xem for good. i just have to wrap up my last year here living with my mom, because... well. i'm not just gonna leave her behind after her husband just died lol. plus, i have plenty of belongings i have to condense before moving, so, it all works out...

so i'm REALLY hoping things can slowly start to get better. there's other things in my life weighing heavy on my heart right now, ones i won't even mention here. but even with all that... even if this year has already earned its title of my worst year yet, i'm excited for the future. that's not something i could have said even just a bit ago. yay!

i think that's a good spot to wrap up this entry. i'd say sorry for dumping all that on you, but, well. you're the one who chose to read this entry. i hope you can get something positive out of it, somehow. please keep your head up and keep going even when things feel bleak. Use whatever nerdy embarrassing means possible to get through life's trials. here i'll embarrass myself for you. just like lord x says: "get on out there, won't you give 'em hell? 'till you've shown 'em all every bit of you, babe" ❤️🌈