HI ALL! oh god so i've had some revelations. i don't owe it to anyone to talk about it whatsoever but i kinda want to since i like putting thoughts to paper. or. Text in this case. it'll be a big text dump at the start

SO. if you've looked at my bio on here you'll notice i'm not going by what i did before. either in terms of name or pronouns. Well. that's becauseeee. I realized out of nowhere on a random tuesday that i had been repressing being trans for the longest time and denying myself any consideration at ever transitioning despite years worth of constantly yearning for it but shrugging it off for various reasons. OOPS!!!!

it's weird for a lot of reasons now that i've settled and accepted it enough to actually consider it moving forward. first of all... i KNEW i was trans. In multiple ways. When i was like 14-16 i openly identified as a trans guy, and it's not like i detransitioned. more like...... re-transitioned into some weird attempt at clinging to my transness while also denying myself my masculinity. it was a weird time lol

those that knew me the past four or so years would know i was always presenting as highly feminine and insisting i was everything But a guy, yet i was constantly uncomfortable in my own skin and trying to reinvent myself. and that has way more reasons than JUST gender, but. in hindsight. Trying to force yourself to be everything other than what you most pressingly are will certainly give someone identity issues LOL

so now since even if it was a cute as all hell pseudonym, i don't go by iris anymore because it's too feminine for my tastes. i opt to just go by "arc" now since i like nicknames based on usernames + it's so Genderless that i can't be bothered being called it at all LOL. i have a different name for irl but i'm keeping that to myself :P

i feel a lot more free now that i've processed this all too!!! of course i still have to deal with dysphoria until i can properly come out and transition irl (im saving it until my partner and i are sure we can stay together irl... we're in a weird situation since he's from another country lol) but i feel really confident in my future now that i know i won't always have to be pretending to be something i'm not. i'm not attempting to emulate being a cis man, i just... Am Trans. i think first and foremost that's what i am. I'd rather get read as a guy irl but at my core more important than either binary gender im just Some guy that wants to be hairier and get clocked as a man if i'm forced to deal with the gender binary. yay

one day i'll be able to go on t and get top surgery and be able to just get out and be myself without constantly stressing about carrying the weight of being assigned something that i don't align with at all!!! Yay!!!!!!

now that that's over. I finished that animation btw :3

i think my next project for the site will be a discotrain shrine bc i'm still HOPELESSLY fixated on them xD

ok that's all. bye bye see you next time 🫶🏳️‍⚧️ next journal will probably be about my custom keyboard that i have parts coming in for soon Yay